realities of the battered

It is, perhaps, too lazy to attribute most of one’s current experiences to a single event.

But that’s sometimes what it feels like to be an assault survivor. It may not be that the assault spawned things in my life that would never have happened otherwise; that definitely gives my attacker more credit than he deserves (or wants). I’m starting to think that what violence does well is that it catalyzes what you were already going to know or experience or grow towards. It sharpens and brings clarity. You adopt habits and mannerisms that to others might be motivated my fear, but you know to be deeply rooted in your health, protection, and safety. You read your environment exceptionally well and you don’t mind as much when your gut instinct is wrong. You don’t stop taking chances; you weigh them. You don’t stop your fierceness; you strategize on the means and ways of employing it.

I am thinking about this because I have had a few recent bad experiences with my family that stem almost entirely from my life as a survivor and their uncertainty as to what this translates to. I find myself silently demanding their understanding and support and yet I haven't explained anything to them about how I'm living, so what can they work from?

So I'm drawing up a list of some things that I know have come about because of my assault. They're specific to me but I know much on this list is shared by others who've experienced violence, sexual assault, and other instances of intense violation and trauma. If others would like to add based off their own experience, please feel free to do so--or, come up with lists of your own, that are specific to who you are.

--When I am in public spaces, I am always looking around me, measuring my surroundings. I do this no matter how many or how few people there are. I do this when I'm with friends or other company. And I always do this when alone.

--When I go to parties or events at night in a place unfamiliar to me, I check several times for nearby bus routes and how late they run. I think of names of people who could give a ride home. Even if it's a dressy sort of event, I will deliberately dress down so as not to attract attention. Sometimes I won't go at all if I don't know anyone that can offer a ride and if bus routes are more than a few blocks' walk to get to.


--I offer to accompany friends of mine--specifically women, people of color, and queer people--to wherever they're walking to, even if it's just a block. I feel incredibly grateful and supported when others do this for me, and very alone when others don't.


--When I am in a house, bar, club, or some other establishment, I check for all exits. I avoid putting myself in situations where people or things are preventing me from reaching those exits.


--When I walk alone somewhere, I make a point of bringing an umbrella, a heavy book, or some other object that can be used as a weapon. When I don't have an object, I look around constantly for things I can use as weapons.


--When I'm in a space where I hear many disrespectful remarks, insults and slurs, I usually leave. If I can't, I find myself focusing my attention on women, people of color, and queer people in the space, hyper-aware of little things happening to them and silently imploring the crowd to leave them alone.


--When I'm with a group of people and I hear insults and slurs directed at me (or us), I usually respond. When I'm alone and I'm targeted, I say nothing and move away.


--When people stare at me for a long time--even if it's just checking me out, or trying to figure out my race or what have you--I avoid looking at them, because I interpret their staring as a threat.


--At night, I will ride a bus for two blocks rather than walk the same distance.


--Even on very cold winter days, I avoid wearing so many clothes that I can't run fast.


--When I go to meet up with friends, I tell them exactly what time I expect to show based off of bus schedules and walking distance. If I show up even just five minutes later than that time, I get upset with myself, and I get more upset when none of my friends are worried that I showed late.


--When ANYONE physically prevents me from moving or going to where I want to, I panic. Even if it's just being playful.


--When ANYONE talks with me at a very close distance--even if it's really important and I should be listening--I panic, because I feel like I can't move and because I'm not able to look around me.


--When someone I've just met frequently violates my boundaries--interrupting, nonconsensual touch, speaking too close, insulting or being disrespectful--I work very hard to avoid them from that point on. If a friend is with me when this happens and they do nothing or pretend nothing happened, I get very angry with them.